Dear family, friends and netizens who read my blog,
I hope this is an amusing read and I promise not to get too graphic. These are my real, true, honest thoughts and experiences and I can’t think of a better way to announce this big life change to the world. Know this, though; I feel blessed beyond understanding (really, it’s still hard for me to grasp most days) and trust that God would not entrust us with this gift if we weren’t up for adventure. That being said….
Confession #1: I’m Pregnant
Oh, you saw that one coming?
Well, yes, after starting a new life/lifestyle that fit ours dreams, J and I felt we were ready to toss out the birth control and see what might happen. So now I’m 12 weeks pregnant, still in the first trimester, and due in April of next year. Yes, I know it’s “early” to be telling everyone. They say 10% to 25% of known pregnancies end in a miscarriage, the majority of those in the first trimester. Whatever. I’m tired of not talking about it.
Confession #2: I’m bummed.
Let’s be real, here. Is growing a baby a miraculous blessing? Yes. Am I looking forward to being a mom? Yes. But there are so many things about being pregnant and having a baby that I so far hate and am also (probably overly) worried about. The main themes:
- I hate not feeling like myself. I may have a control-freak perfectionist side who is proud of being detail-oriented and having a great memory. Now I have “pregnancy brain” and it’s for real, people. The fact that I can’t retain information like I expect too or brew a cup of coffee on a machine that requires pushing one stupid button…is infuriating! So I’ve postponed some things that are important to me until later, like studying for my personal trainer certification. Speaking of which….
- I hate
giving upadjusting my goals. This should be a week of blissful tapering to the Portland Marathon, which itself was a training race for a 50k late in October. I had so many hopes for these races before my body reallocated all my energy toward building a new person from scratch. In spite of some good efforts on my part, I have not been able to train like I wanted. So I plan on going easy, reimplementing the ‘ol walk-jog interval, and just finishing with a smile… yay….
- I mourn the loss of my physical fitness. Selfish? Whatever. Knowing my body is going to suffer trauma and be forever changed both scares and saddens me. I know I’ll feel strong again someday. I know I’ll make exercise a priority post-baby and still be a fit woman. Still, it won’t be the same and I am working on accepting that.
- I question my feelings, or lack of feelings. I have zero desire to do the baby bump progress photos. Is that bad? I didn’t cry when we saw baby’s dancing limbs on the ultrasound. I just laughed. Shouldn’t I be more touched? I believe the answer is no on both counts. I’m pregnant, but I’m still me and me has never gotten squeaky voiced at baby things. Still…these thoughts run through my head as I self-monitor my behavior as a mom-to-be.
So yes, I’ve felt down some days. I’ve gotten out of bed only to find myself still in my pajamas on the couch at noon, having been completely unproductive and feeling like a total lazy ass. I’ve binge-watched stupid Netflix shows that don’t require me to think, remaining fully aware of how pathetic I must look, and yet I don’t care. This is just reality, folks.
Here’s a quote from AmericanPregnancy.org:
“Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the happiest times of a woman’s life, but for many women this is a time of confusion, fear, stress, and even depression. According to The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), between 14-23% of women will struggle with some symptoms of depression during pregnancy.” – Source.
Confession #3: Running feels good.
I’ve been really lucky so far. The first trimester “sickness” (because calling it “morning sickness” is just stupid) hasn’t been as bad for me as it has for other mommies I know. THANK YOU JESUS! I’ve merely had to deal with a constant, distracting nausea that can mostly be kept under control with ginger chews and frequent, small meals.
But when I run, I feel totally normally again. Weird, right? Weird awesome! Once I get warmed up and going, my body is like…”hey, I remember this.” and my nausea goes away. Never mind the fact that I’m slow as molasses, have no sense of balance anymore and can’t get very far before I extinguish. I’m just glad that, for now, I can go for a 2 or 3 mile jog and feel normal-ish.
Confession #4: Junk Food.
Honestly, my diet is still mainly fruits, veggies and lean meats. Heavier on the fruits these days. So while I’m not living off junk food…I will admit that there is now some junk food where there was zero junk food before. My main offenders?
- Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips. Possibly my first and only real “craving”.
- Skittles & Brite Crawler Gummy Worms get me through bad days.
- Dark Chocolate Chips in a plastic baggy got me through fence building.
- 7UP or Sprite because sometimes sparkling water just doesn’t do it for me.
- Chocolate Chip cookies are making more frequent appearances as well.
- I always have ice cream in the freezer. If I don’t, I feel weird about it.
Confession #5: I feel I’ve been lied too.
I know everyone’s experience is different and some things aren’t mentioned because they’re just NOT important once your baby is in your arms.
That’s partially why I’m writing this now…so I have an honest record of what was happening to me at 12 weeks pregnant. If I have a daughter who needs to know someday, I’ll tell her to search the inter-cob-webs for this old blog post and read it for herself, lest I mislead her with my rose colored glasses.
Here is a short list of the misrepresentations, myths, and all out lies I take issue with.
- Your boobs get big! Oh, it’s true, but the assumption here is that this is only awesome. The fact that they will also hurt and sting after I run is somewhere hidden in the fine print. For the first time in my life I have to be choosey about my sports bras (shall I cry you a river?). I think I kind of know now what male runners must feel like with their bleeding nipples. Sorry dudes.
- Pregnancy is one of the happiest times of a woman’s life! Yes…BUT…see Confession #2 above. Just because I’m glad I’m having a baby doesn’t mean I don’t have fears, frustrations, or need to express things that just bother me about being pregnant. It’s a happy time, but it’s also a difficult time.
- The whole morning sickness thing. I definitely thought feeling fine in the morning meant I wasn’t pregnant. I guess now most women know that first trimester woes are a 24/7 joy ride. You can feel like crap any ‘ol time of the day. Yippee! Maybe they’d said “mourning sickness” and we just misunderstood?
- Pregnancy cravings. Woof! As I understood it before, preggos fixate on a food and their desire for only that food is strong and it must be supplied immediately. None of that here. Actually, I don’t desire any food. I eat because I know I have too, but nothing ever sounds good. Maybe my cravings are yet to come?
- Something about a glow? I always knew this was a joke. But seriously, the only glow I give off is either from my oily acne-ridden skin (I’m 17 all over again) or radioactive particles in my cosmic fart clouds. I’m all about those Tums, baby.
Confession #6: I’m prematurely defensive.
This probably sounds completely nutso but I’ve already practiced my eloquent rebuttals toward anyone who might approach me and either try to touch my belly, tell me I shouldn’t run while pregnant, or give me unsolicited advice on anything in general. Unfortunately, most of my comebacks are rude and marinated in bad words. I blame the cocktail of hormones flooding my body for the aggressive language I can’t seem to filter. But seriously…
Glad I got all that off my chest. Feel free to send us used baby stuff like clothes, jogging strollers, etc. Also, we are…
Now Accepting Advice Submissions
From now until March 2016, we are accepting unsolicited advice on all things related to pregnancy, parenting, marriage, and anything else you happen to believe is relevant and can’t squash the urge to share. Please use the comment section below to dispense all of your expert knowledge and wisdom by March 2016. After that time, we will no longer be accepting further submissions. All unsolicited advice and well-intentioned expert opinions will be ignored. We will evaluate all submissions that made the deadline and if we have further questions, we will reach out to you. Thank you.