Before I start sharing my motherhood issues, I’m going to ask you to vote for baby J in the Gerber Photo Search! You only need to provide an email address to “login” to vote. Here’s what you’re looking for:
You can vote daily through Thanksgiving. SIX winners (determined by votes) will get $3,500 and $750 in apparel and bedding. I may be grasping at straws here, but parenting is expensive, folks. Help a mother out.
Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming….
Me Versus Mom Me
It started around the time bubba hit 5 months old. Increasing rest had given me hope that I could do a few campaigns and return to some pre-baby Me type projects. It wasn’t going well, though, but I tried to power through.
Then, one day, my frustration boiled up and I got super angry. Moxie repeatedly got in the baby’s face, ignoring my commands to leave him alone. So, I threw a blanket behind the couch as a demonstration of mom rage, and yelled at Moxie as I took her by her collar and put her outside.
Fail. Face-palm. Guilt gut.
Poor Mox. I wasn’t really angry at her (although she was being disobedient). I sat down next to bubba on his blanket, his giant baby eyes looking at me like, “What just happened?”
I sighed and confessed to my then-5-month-old that “Mommy is angry because she feels like she can’t do the things she needs to do and the thing she wants to do, and she’s not okay with that.”
You know how people say that once you have a kid everything changes? It’s not 100% true. It feels that way when you’re in the new mom fog. Priorities and perspective do change. However, pre-baby responsibilities are still there and pre-baby dreams and goals still stir in your heart.
It’s Pre-baby Me versus mom Me for control over my time and energy.
There is part of me that still wants to run all the races, travel, and continue developing my home business and my faith + fitness program. I’m used to doing those things without considering how a baby fits into the schedule. Now I barely find time to write or energy to workout. I know that I don’t have to completely give up my interests/goals if I learn how to adjust my approach, but part of me is just stubborn and doesn’t want too.
Then there is a part of me enamored with being mommy and only wants to do that. To enjoy every single baby moment, read all the books, give him the best start to life. It is insane how such a tiny little person can occupy so much time and energy. However, focusing 100% of my life on being a mom wouldn’t be healthy or satisfying either.
So, all this to say that sometimes, it feels like I’m trying to stitch together two different people. I know I’ll eventually find a way to be me and mom, seamlessly. I know that, while I can’t do it all, I can pick and choose the best of both worlds. I know that adding a new person into your life, no matter how madly you love them, takes some working out. I’m sure every mother has had to go through figuring these things out for herself.
For me, I keep coming back to this;
- I know who I am in Christ. That is my identity.
- Underneath that umbrella, I’m blessed to also be a wife and mom.
- God is molding and shaping me even more through this.
I remember folks saying that adjusting to married life takes time. Adjusting to mommy life takes time too. So I guess that’s where I’m at.
I found this helpful: Why You Shouldn’t Make Motherhood Your Identity